The Hardest Decision To Date

Yesterday I posted about our decision to have a Rabbi officiate our wedding.

Soon after we made our decision last Fall, Poppy Peep called to express his concern: our Family's "faith" wasn't being represented in our ceremony. He asked if we would consider a co-officiant.

I took his request very seriously, as this was, and has been, Poppy Peep's only request regarding anything wedding. And without my parent's support financially (and emotionally) we would not be having this beautiful wedding.

At first I thought "of course, we'll get someone to co-officiate." But after our conversation, I immediately though, "what did he mean by 'our Family's faith?"

Yes, we grew up going to Church, but what sect of Christianity that church represents I am nowhere near sure.

I felt lost. For the first time in my life, my father expressed to me how important his "faith" is to him. But at 29 years old, I can't even tell you what "faith" he was talking about!

Mr. Peep and I discussed Poppy Peep's request at length. I came to the realization that a co-officiant from some Christian Church would only represent my Dad's "faith," not mine or Mr. Peep's.

Seeking advice I called my Brother, who converted to Catholicism for his wedding almost 7 years ago. He suggested talking to Poppy Peep to pin down exactly what his concerns were- find out which part of the ceremony my dad believed was most problematic. My Brother said that in the end it is OUR decision, not my Dads.

We then called the Rabbi, who patiently listened to our situation, spoke to both of us individually, and asked us, again, if our original decision was still what we wanted to do. Answering yes, the Rabbi asked to speak to my Dad, wanting to decode and understand his concerns, and figure out if they could find a middle ground (Remember our Rabbi won't co-officiate a ceremony).

For the first time in my life, I called my Dad to specifically discuss religion.

Unlike many of Poppy Peep's and my typical political disputes, I was open to hear what he had to say. Yet Poppy Peep couldn't tell me what he wanted out of a co-officiant. To this day, I believe what he wants is a figure head representing "our family's faith." I explained to him that I didn't know what that meant, that I didn't identify with a faith like he did; I think this crushed him just a little.

I asked him to call the Rabbi, believing the Rabbi could best explain how we were incorporating both faiths into our ceremony. Poppy Peep said OK and we hung up.

Over a month went by. My Dad didn't call the Rabbi.

During the holidays, Mr. Peep and I had an opportunity to discuss the situation with him in person. Again, we got nowhere. I repeatedly asked him to call the Rabbi; he asked to postpone the conversation until he was over laryngitis. Fair enough.

Finally, over the long New Year's weekend, Mama and Poppy Peep talked to the Rabbi. I don't know what was said, yet with the lack of immediate response we thought all was well, the Rabbi swayed his fears and concerns. It was not until a couple of weeks later that I received a call from my Dad. He said we should just go with the Rabbi -- he said that if Mr. Peep's family was put in the same situation, they'd be upset too. It felt like a jagged knife to the heart. Again, I asked if there was anything we could do during the ceremony to incorporate his faith; he replied there was nothing to be done.

I asked Mr. Peep if he'd consider a non-denominational officiant, thinking maybe we could disappoint both families, equally. Yet the reality was still apparent: Mr. Peep would be disappointed.

I've labored over this decision. I've agonized writing this post. And I still don't have peace over upsetting my Dad.

However, I do have peace about our decision. It was/still is the hardest decision regarding our wedding.

This wedding is about US. Coming together. And I couldn't imagine one of us disappointed on our wedding day. So we have decided to have the Rabbi marry us; he has been there for us as a couple, throughout this long drawn out process. He has let us figure out exactly what we need, and helped us identify what my Dad is looking for.

This Sunday we are meeting with the Rabbi, for the first time since we made our decision. He has promised to work with us, insuring that we both feel represented in OUR ceremony. And he's promised to call my Dad again to keep the dialog open and continuing.

I can only hope, and pray, that on the day of the wedding, my Dad is pleasantly surprised by the inclusiveness of our ceremony. We've decided to ask my Dad to say a blessing before the meal, and for my brother to perform a reading during the ceremony. I promise to keep you informed about our path to an inclusive interfaith ceremony.

Have you run into an issue that just can't be tied up in a cute package with a neat little bow?

Polictics and Religion

Politics and religion are the two topics that you are suppose to avoid in mixed company, and it even causes a bit of a stir here on Weddingbee. But what happens when your views differ from those closest to you?

Poppy Peep and I have never agreed politically. As a child, he'd purposely bring up controversial topics at the dinner table. I can only guess that he was trying to hone my debating skills, but I think it back fired on him. We now sit clearly on different sides of the aisle, and this has caused more than one conversation to turn into a heated debate. I now find myself cutting our political conversations short and asking him to change topics before either of us lose our cool.

Mr. Peep and I, on the other hand, are squarely sitting next to each other when it comes to politics, and it is one of the things I love most about him.

But this post isn't about politics.

Mr. Peep is Jewish. And, well, I am not.

When I was young my parents took us to church semi-regularly; as we got older, it turned into a bi-annual event. We were the folks that took up the extra room on Christmas and Easter. Without a clear religious eduction, I have tried to live my life as a morally responsible human being; I try my best to live by the Golden Rule.

When our relationship first got serious, we openly discussed religion with each other, and we even went to an interfaith class. Mr. Peep clearly defines himself as Jewish, and I have a hard time defining myself as anything. I just don't feel like I know enough. As an adult, I take full responsibility for my lack of religious education.

Our pending marriage has forced me to do some internal exploring. I realized that I could never ask Mr. Peep to convert- I couldn't even tell him what religion he should convert to. I also realized that if Mr. Peep wanted me to convert to Judaism, he'd not only have to ask me to convert, he'd have to make it a much larger priority in his life. He'd have to join a temple and attend a weekly service.

Mr. PT has yet to ask me to convert, and both of us are comfortable with where our beliefs stand. Yet the conversation couldn't end there- we needed to figure out who would marry us.

Ideally, I loved the idea of asking a good friend or family member to officiate. I thought it would add a level of intimacy to our ceremony. But Mr. Peep really wanted a Rabbi to conduct the service, and he felt it was important to him and his family.

I readily agreed knowing that this was important to my future husband, and I started our search for an interfaith Rabbi. When I told my mom, she said, "that living in the Bay Area you should easily be able to find someone willing to marry you."

On the surface it seemed like an easy search, but on further inspection we were breaking a lot of the rules. We were an interfaith couple, getting married during daylight on Saturday, outside.

Technically speaking, from sundown on Friday night to sundown on Saturday in the Jewish religion, you aren't suppose to do any work, including officiating a wedding. Also, like many other religions, a lot of Rabbi's won't preform a ceremony unless you belong to their temple.

Fortunately, we found two Rabbi's that would preform our ceremony that we liked. Coincidentally, we met with both of them on the same day last Fall. The first Rabbi teaches comparative religion and he only preforms a few ceremonies a year. He just started preforming interfaith ceremonies a few years ago, and he clearly stated that he bases his ceremonies off of the Jewish religion and he doesn't co-officiate. The second Rabbi was more free spirited, solely preforms interfaith marriages, and he shared a lot of the same beliefs as Mr. Peep and I. Yet, we really felt like we connected with the first Rabbi and that we could learn a lot from him.

On the surface, it was an easy choice. We informed the first Rabbi of our decision and spread the word to the family.

Soon after Poppy Peep asked me to call him to discuss the wedding. At first I thought he was worried about the cost of the wedding, but really, he wanted to discuss the ceremony.

This conversation lead to the hardest wedding decision that we have faced yet.

Do you and your future spouse share the same religious beliefs? Who is officiating your wedding?